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That Time I Beat Someone With A Shawarma Wrap

That Time I Beat Someone With A Shawarma Wrap April 4, 2018Leave a comment

Ok, I never actually hit them with the wrap itself, that would be a waste of a perfectly delicious gyro, instead I beat them mercilessly with my left hand, careful to to not splatter their blood on my food.

It was a few minutes after 2 am in my hometown of Edmonton, Canada. We were walking along the local bar street looking for something to eat. I was with Mac, and a couple other friends, this was many years ago. One of my friends, Craig, was wearing an Edmonton Oilers Hockey jersey and ultimately the shirt is what sparked the fight.

We lined up inside the sandwich shop and ordered our food. Two assholes were standing in line behind us making fun of Craig’s jersey. I can’t remember the exact insults but they were trying to get personal and start a brawl. We ignored them, it was a long night and we just wanted to eat.

We got our shawarmas and went outside. We were standing out there eating them when the two guys walked out the door and called Craig a faggot. Craig chirped back, fuck you or something and that’s when it happened. They walked up and said “hit me then”. Craig is like “I’m not hitting you, get the fuck out of here”. Then it happened…

Within an instant, they pulled his jersey over his head (hockey player style) and both began feeding Craig shots to the face and body, it was clear these guys were hockey players likely from another city.

I was drunk and so my reaction time was slow and it took a second to process what was going on. When I realized what was happening, I immediately took action. I put my sandwich into my right hand, walked up and decked one of them in the face as hard as I could. He stumbled backward against the wall, I then pounced on the other guy smashing him with my fist. The details are blurry, and I don’t remember how long this went on for but I do clearly remember a third guy came out of nowhere, decked me square in the nose, and broke it.

I couldn’t see. That’s what pissed me off most. I couldn’t help my friend because my eyes watered up and my vision was gone. In that moment, the police pulled up. They ran into the middle of the large circle of people that had gathered around us. They threw my friend on the ground and began to take control of the situation. I stepped backward into the crowd to avoid being caught. People were taking pictures of my face with their phones because it was sideways and there was blood everywhere.

The police were about to take everyone (except me) away to the station. They were in handcuffs and ready to go, when without warning, they let everyone go and took off down the street. I wasn’t close to them but apparently someone had been shot in the next street over and had to go deal with that.

And so we took a taxi to the nearby hospital to get my nose looked after. I still had the shawarma in my hand, it was still tasty.

At the hospital, while waiting to see the doctor, an ambulance pulls up and in comes the victim who had been shot! Turns out he was shot in the leg or something. When I saw the doctor, he sat me down, grabbed my nose and wiggled it back into place. He taped it up and told me not to touch it. To this day my nose remains a little crooked if you look up close – I plan on having it broken and reset again soon, just have to book a time with the doctor or go out drinking with my friends in my hometown again.

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